


What Are Tears?

by ailetei



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Childhood Trauma, Crying, I'm Sorry, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, New Year's Eve, Other, Psychological Trauma, Self-Denial, Self-Hatred, Self-Pity, Sorry Not Sorry, just a cute thing, poor levi, this will ruin your day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-01
Updated: 2016-01-01
Packaged: 2018-05-10 23:02:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5604244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ailetei/pseuds/ailetei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi has a mental breakdown and learns things he never knew.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Are Tears?

He had a lot of problems dealing with the problems he had. And he had quite the number of problems. He knew that very well. The year closed with a drowned out bang. New years was a time for family to get together, but after that upsetting Christmas and even his own birthday, Levi knew better than to get his hopes up. But he still did.

All alone in his living room, he splayed out on the couch and brought a glass of wine to his lips. The bitterness was about the same taste that was in his mouth this whole year. He sighed. 

“Fucking horrible.” He was referring to his past 365 days and maybe a little to that taste in his mouth. He pulled his blanket up harshly and buried his face in his knees. Then little by little, he began humming. A melody well known to him. He never bothered to learn the name of the piece but he knew he loved it. He lulled himself into a slight daze and found himself on his side about 30 minutes later. It was about 11. Ah, what to do to pass time. Levi sat up and took another swig of the wine, the same taste stained his tongue. He didn't know how to deal with anything. 

That was it.

After his family had abandoned him and Erwin had taken him in, he did feel the love he wanted from Erwin but the missing pieces of his childhood he could never get back haunted him day and night. Erwin was there most nights to temporarily kiss those nightmares away. But tonight, Levi was alone… Why was Erwin not there… Levi never knew. 

His eyes started to sting pretty bad and he brought his hand up to rub at them. He half expected tears but they were not there.

He didn't want Erwin to be there right now. He actually liked it alone at the moment. He thought the quiet pleasant. But the thought was what made him coil in a pool of lukewarm self pity. God he wanted nothing more than to just be happy. But how. He just couldn't figure it out. He hated looking down on himself like this, he practically stabbed himself with his own scarily intrusive thoughts. Cold fingers wrapped around the wine glass. His other hand grabbed at his chest unconsciously, and squeezed the fabric of his shirt. Clenched fist right above his heart. He grit his teeth and his thoughts started to cloud his mind as the wine also assisted in that. Levi’s mind ran wild.

Alone… alone.. By myself. I am.. Alone.

The more and more he repeated it, the more he started to believe it. The wine glass hit hard against the table with a sharp noise when he slammed it down. With that free hand, he clawed his hair mercilessly and fell into the position he was in. On his side and shuddering, his eyes looked like they were being forced open by another person and he stared at nothingness. His dark lashes burned contrast in his vision and he curled up tighter, force on his hair lightened a bit and his lips quivered. His hands shook. His body rocked like a ship in a storm, but even then, not a single tear managed from those steel eyes. 

Then another phrase.

Help… Help me…. HELP ME

He screamed internally again and again, blood rushing through his ears to answer his call. More and more he started to hate himself, every waking second of the next half hour was hell. The feeling of tears but when he brushed his cheek with his palm, it was smooth and dry.

All he could do was lay there, shuddering, cold and make crying sounds without the physical crying, but his heart was doing all the crying. It hurt so bad, oh my god, it just hurt so bad. Started to hurt him physically and the pain travelled to his stomach like someone had straight gutted him. His eyes could not afford to stay open any longer and eventually he gave in at around 11:50. Just another 10 minutes.

Levi let himself submit into a deep state of sullied rest. He could only hope that when his eyes opened again, someone would be there. Time seemed to never pass. The more Levi tried to sleep, the more restless he became. And eventually it was already 11:58. He sat up, his body limp and weak. His heart sank so low he could feel it drop. He felt so heavy when he stood to his feet and he nearly toppled over from the pressure in his head. Yeah, he should definitely call it a night. His mind went blank and his vision flashed white then stained black. The last thing he heard was the thud his own body made as it crashed to the floor.

Just seconds after Levi had passed out, there was a jingling of keys at the door and some footsteps inside that Levi never got the joy of hearing. Long strides came towards the unconscious man on the floor.

 

……………………………..

 

Who knows how long it had been. Levi stirred and slowly blinked his eyes open. The first thing that came to mind was last night and the pangs immediately came back and he choked out a gasp, clutching his shirt. His shirt.. It was different. He was wearing his pajamas. He also just started to notice that his head was on a pillow… and his body under soft sheets. As he came to, he hurriedly whipped his head to the side, coming face to face with the man he loved the most. Blindingly bright blue eyes smiled at him. Blonde hair melted with his black locks on the pillow and a warm large comforting hand stroked Levi’s cheek.

Levi felt his heart nearly skip a beat and swell at the mixed emotions he was feeling. And suddenly his eyes stung again but it felt different this time.

“Ohh.. Levi.. Please don’t cry..” 

He was surprised. Two small hands reached up to touch his own cheek and he felt it. He felt the wet warmth trickling from his eyes. He looked up at Erwin will a stunned expression but so relieved. He cried. Tears fell freely and Erwin was there to pull him close and Levi snuggled his head into the his wide chest. Warm and sweet was what he felt but he did not stop crying and his tears left a transparent spot on Erwin’s shirt as he sniffled and tried to bury his face deeper into the hold. Thin arms did their best to wrap around Erwin as they held each other like that for an hour or so.

Levi eventually dozed off again in those strong arms and Erwin stayed by his side until he woke up again. He brushed the hair out of Levi’s eyes and gently placed a kiss on his lip.

“I’m sorry. I won’t do that to you again, Levi. I’m so sorry. I love you so much.” Erwin nuzzled his nose into Levi’s hair. “I won’t leave you alone anymore. I love you, Levi.. I love you so much.”

Levi felt it again in his chest, the swelling. And more tears. Ah, yes.. He understood.

 

Tears will only fall out of happiness from now on.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, kinda wrote this fic out of my own feelings.. Idk, I'm a sad person. Alright, hope you guys enjoyed that! ^_^


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